Letting go

Twice this week I was asked the same question by two different people, "Where are you with God on this?" 


Sometimes a tragedy can result in loss of faith, or doubt in one's beliefs.  Alternatively, one can turn to religion for comfort.  In my case, I think I have experienced a little of both, and also a third phenomenon: coming to the inevitable conclusion that we have little to no control over our path in life and making the choice to resign ourselves to that relative helplessness.  So called "letting go."  Whether you want to think of this as God's plan ("let go and let God"), succumbing to fate / destiny or random chance, the bottom line is, try as we might, we don't have much control over the course of our existence.  At times, it is hard to remember that it works both ways - that is to say, we neither have control over what we perceive as good, nor what we believe to be bad experiences in our lives.  While on some level, I am angry and upset that my child was taken away from me, I am also grateful that I have been blessed with the ability to conceive and carry a child at all, something that many couples struggle with.  I am fortunate that I found a partner that I want to raise a child with.  I am appreciative for the time I had to nurture my daughter, to bond with her.  My feelings remind me of a popular Christian song, "Blessed Be His Name," in which the lyrics say, "He gives and takes away..."  Even if you do not accept God as being in control of your life, the truth is you had no control over the circumstances you were born into, nor most of the things that led you to your current position in life.  Certainly, you did not choose the parents you were born to, the opportunities you were given as a child, etc.  Not to mention, so many chance encounters and occurrences along the way to reaching your current place.  Some of them good, some of them bad.  In my own case, I can think of many seemingly random, chance events without which I never would have carried Angeline at all.  This is not to say that we have no responsibility for where we are, or that our actions cannot alter our course in some ways.  My point is that there are many circumstances beyond our control that have significant bearing on our course. 

In answer to the question, "Where are you with God on this?"  I have answer that I don't know why God has given us the pain of this loss to bear.  I am not sure why we are now heading down this new path that is so much different than the one we expected.  I hope that somehow my little Angeline has been spared from pain and suffering, I hope that she is in a good, peaceful place now.  I hope that her loss, that has touched so many people, brings all of us new respect for the sanctity and the miracle of life, as well as appreciation for so many blessing that have been bestowed on us.  I hope that this difficult experience changes us in ways that are positive - to become more loving, more compassionate individuals.  Though we did not choose this experience, it is now a part of us.