An interesting week...

The third week of January 2011...

First of all, I went back to work this week.  I stayed home for roughly two weeks after delivering Angeline.  The physical recovery from delivery was not too bad.  For two weeks I devoted myself to grieving for the loss of our daughter, reading books on the topic, educating myself on potential causes of this tragedy, reading the stories of other women, spending time with my immediate family and a few close friends.  I let myself be completely miserable sometimes, and to sleep as much as I needed to.  The fog started to clear.  I realized that I could literally think about this all day every day if I allowed myself to.  For me, it seemed right to try to start to get back to my usual routines.  So, I returned to work.  The first day, I felt pretty good.  The second day, I cried on the way home.  Ups and downs are to be expected, I think.  I am so fortunate to work with a wonderful group of people, who have been incredibly supportive and sympathetic.  Even those I have not been close with have simply approached me, saying, "I'm so sorry, we love you," and hugged me, which has meant so much to me.  It is just so hard to keep my head up and keep smiling, though. 

Mid-week I started to become slightly more anxious about the results of Angeline's autopsy.  Although her body was released to us the first week of January, the pathologist has not given any report to my obstetrician as of yet.  We had hoped to have a full report early this week.  We have heard absolutely nothing, and the pathologist has been quite difficult to contact, from what I understand.  On Thursday, the staff at my OB's office was finally able get though to the pathologist's office and speak to one of his staff.  It seems that the results are in progress, but may take up to sixty days for a full report.  Can you imagine?  Sixty days to hear why your baby died.  To me, this seems like a very long time for a bereaved family to wait to hear any explanation.  I am trying my best to be patient. 

Today, I had my hair done.  At times when you feel absolutely horrible on the inside, sometimes it helps to look good on the outside at least!  Not to mention that any good hair stylist is a great listener and part psychologist.  In my case, I also have a stylist who is deeply religious.   So, it was a good experience all around. 

For the time being, I am going to try to go easy on myself.  I am not going to hold myself to my usual standards for efficiency and busyness right now.  I am going to relax over the weekend, get rest, read, spend quality time with those close to me.