Passage of time

This week will mark another milestone.

At this time last year, I had a teeny, tiny Angeline inside of me - I just didn't know it yet. It would be a few days later that I saw the two pink lines. Then came the lab visits for beta-HCG levels and anxiously awaiting phone calls from my doctor's office. They were all good, rising perfectly! Thus began the happiest time of my life.

The greatest joy of my life came to an abrupt and devastating end on December 29th, 2010. We are now approaching the 6 month mark. Although I delivered Angeline on December 31st, it is the 29th that will be the painful anniversary of her death. I have decided that this will always be our day of mourning, and we will try to celebrate her life on the 31st.

It always amazes me how much can happen in a year. For me (for us), this year has included the highest high and the lowest low. I am humbling asking God to please, please let this next year show us a light at the end of this long, lonely tunnel. I am praying that we will be able to look back on June 2011 and say, "Do your remember how hopeless and sad we felt? And now, see how happy we are?" Of course, I know very well that this isn't completely realistic, and I also don't think we'll be "happy" in the strictest sense, but maybe we will have more to be happy about. I am hoping that at some point, something really gives us joy again. I know it happens for other people who have been where we are, so maybe it will happen to us, too.

This song made me cry on my way home tonight...

I've heard this song so many times, and on each occasion it brings tears to my eyes.

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no - ain't even grey, but she buries her baby... The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had just enough time..."

Unhappy Father's Day

I sincerely doubt this is a Happy Father's Day for any father to an angel. Maybe fathers with other living children can celebrate this day and truly enjoy it. For fathers to babies who have gone too soon, today is a day which only serves to magnify their pain and add weight to their burden.

Fathers of angels didn't get to proudly hold a pink,screaming newborn. They never had the chance to give bottles and learn to change diapers. They didn't wear a Baby Bjorn carrier for walks on the beach. No bedtime stories or calming after a nightmare. Never got to scoop up their crying child after a fall and kiss a scraped knee. No soccer games, birthday parties, swimming lessons. No parent-teacher conferences. They didn't have the opportunity to share all of the things they could teach a child. And this is only for the first several years... not to mention the other milestones of teenage and adult years.

I would guess that most of these fathers don't say much about they feel on Father's Day. I can't help feeling sad and resentful today. I felt miserable on Mother's Day, and today I feel almost as bad. I wish I had Angeline dressed up in a pink onesie that says, "I'm Daddy's Girl" or something silly like that. We would have done something to make this a special day for her daddy. Today she should be almost 4 months old. Instead of our beautiful baby girl, we have a pile of ashes in a box.

I am so tired, absolutely drained, by being sad on days that make most everyone else happy. So far we have suffered through New Years Eve, Valentine's Day, Adrian's birthday, Easter, my birthday, Mother's Day, now Father's Day. I feel like I am sort of in a daze on these holidays. I could meltdown and burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
I just hate it.

Thank you to my lovely fellow baby-loss mothers who have sent special greetings today and good wishes for Adrian. I love you all and I hope that the fathers in your life are getting through this difficult day.

Junebug

This had been a favorite movie of mine since first seeing it a number of years ago. I was looking for a DVD today, when I picked it up and remembered the whole story...