Over the past months I have done a lot of reading. I have read a number of books and memoirs on the subject of babyloss, grief, faith. Those of you who know me in real life have heard me speaking of a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Harold Kushner. It is a widely known, bestseller with more than 4 million copies in print.
When I was in college, I was a biology major and a philosophy minor. I absolutely loved writing on philosophical principles. The chair of the department actually took me aside one time and said, "Are you sure you really want to go into medicine? Why don't you think about coming over to our department?" Years later, I still have a copy of one paper that I was particularly proud of. Looking at it now, I almost have a hard time understanding it! It is strange to think that I actually wrote it, what seems like a lifetime ago. But I digress...
So, I first heard about this book on another blog and though I would read it. A little background on my thoughts on religion: when I was an older teenager and into my college years, I was somewhat critical of organized religion and focused more on my own personal spiritual relationship with God. In my later twenties, I became involved with a progressive church on the East Coast and was quite openly religious (
i.e. possibly annoying and offensive to non-believers). After relocating to California, I spent several years trying to find the "right" church, and after frequenting quite a few local churches, I more or less gave up on finding a place where I would fit in well. That being said, I had always subscribed to the philosophy of Christian values, belief in God's grace and perhaps most significantly the theory of God having a plan for each of us, whether or not we understood it. I tried to live my life accordingly.
Well, nothing gives you earth-shattering crisis of faith like the death of your own child. If you are yourself the parent of a lost child, I realize I am not telling you anything that you don't already know. As for those of you who automatically and unconditionally accept the death of your child as being "part of God's plan,"
sorry, I don't buy it. In my humble opinion, this type of response falls into the categories of shock and / or denial.
Which finally brings me to the book. As I mentioned, over the course of my life I have read quite a lot on topics of philosophy, religion and now grief, loss, death. I would say that this particular read is among the most intelligent and poignant books I have read on the aforementioned topics.
Harold Kushner was a young rabbi when his son Aaron was diagnosed at age three with a very rare and ultimately fatal condition called progeria, "rapid aging." After years of suffering, Aaron would die two days after his fourteenth birthday. Rabbi Kushner was inspired to write the book after experiencing the life-altering, aching pain of a parent facing the loss of his child. He very skillfully addresses the common questions that arise and reactions that most people experience when something truly devastating happens to them.
Kushner describes the usual imagery of God as a powerful father figure, treating as we deserve, punishing us when we do wrong. This concept can lead to so many negative feelings - self-blame, rejection, abandonment. He demonstrates that quite clearly, this vision of God is inconsistent with what human beings experience. One can see this in the Bible if one is so inclined, or simply look at the world around us. Many times the righteous do suffer, and suffer severely. Meanwhile, we see many selfish, unkind and quite possibly evil people enjoying a life of ease, comfort and harmony. Contrary to popular belief, things frequently don't even out in this lifetime - we don't all "get what we deserve."
In the tradition of my friend Kirsten, I will share a few common things that people say, and how they can practically be interpreted according to Rabbi Kushner.
When a bad thing has happened to you...
God has his reasons for making this happen, and you are in no position to judge.
-The individual feels abandoned, betrayed. What reason would God have for doing this? What kind of higher purpose would justify their suffering? And if this was His plan, how could the individual ask God to help them?
God has caused this bad thing to happen to teach / change / influence other people.
- Would a loving God exact the price of a child's life to teach a lesson? In Kushner's words, "The price is too high, and the reasoning shows too little regard for the value of an individual life."
God never gives us a burden that we cannot carry / will not give you a life you are not strong enough to lead.
- Should the individual have been a weaker person? Would that have avoided such a tragedy? In addition, this is blatantly false. Tragedies such as the loss of a child destroy the lives of previously happy people, break up marriages, lead to depression, substance abuse, even suicide.
God has taken the loved one to a better place, where they are free of suffering. This is a reason to rejoice.
- While it may be true that the lost child is free of pain and suffering, we have no way of knowing that, and if we choose to believe, it is through faith. This idea is of limited comfort to the surviving family who will miss that child's presence for every remaining day of their lives. It certainly does not address why that particular child had to suffer in the first place!
All of the above concepts suggest that God plays an active role in our suffering. Subjecting us to it, possibly deciding to relieve it... Rabbi Kushner explores the possibility that God does not choose for us to suffer and does not cause bad things to happen to us. In the third chapter, he explores a central concept to the book: "Sometimes There is No Reason." I have to wonder it the same can't be said for many of the good things that happen to us. Is it reasonable to say that we were chosen to have a "blessing" when we all realize we weren't necessarily chosen to bear a burden? I am not sure yet.
I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. I think it should be read by anyone who has experienced a life-changing tragedy, as well as anyone who believes they know the first thing about religion, regardless of denomination.
