Quiet

I've been quiet here lately. I haven't been able to bring myself to post anything in more than a month. I don't want to be a Debbie-downer in the babyloss blogosphere. I realize that is something of an oxymoron, and of course, there are many heart-wrenching, painful, depressing posts out there.

But really, there are a handful of general classifications of people who read these blogs: 1) the newly bereaved mothers 2) mothers who are some months beyond their loss and looking to the future 3) the babyloss mothers who are either pregnant or have just given birth to their rainbow babies 4) friends, family, other supporters 5) a very small group of assorted individuals who are interested in babyloss for other reasons (hopefully legitimate!)

Groups 1 - 3, and there is some crossover here, constitute the majority of the babyloss blogosphere readership. Basically, none of them would want to think about, let alone hear about, all that I have been experiencing lately. It is simply too discouraging and depressing. It's hard to understand how people with a dead baby can be further disillusioned, but they can. It's because, after some period of suffering their loss, they regain hope that their lives will become less painful and that they will have a sense of joy again. So, they don't like to hear about situations where a babyloss mother just keeps getting the beatdown. Again and again.

The fact is, I am now 18 months out from the worst day of my life. For unknown reasons, it took a very long time and extraordinary efforts for me to conceive again. Only to suffer another early loss. No idea why. It is every babyloss mother's worst nightmare. That is, the nightmare after the original nightmare. And it happens to be my real life.

It is particularly difficult to stomach the probing questions from well-intentioned friends and acquaintances. They SO want to hear good news from me. Some of them genuinely care about what I have been going through and are getting what I call "empathy fatigue." It is very difficult to continue being positive and supportive with a friend who has been facing extreme difficulties for a prolonged time. Then there are those who don't actually care about me specifically, but want to hear good news of some sort of turn-around of events because it bothers them to know that life can be so cruel. They need reassurance that something so awful won't happen to them, too.

While I don't want to get into a lot of details about what has been going on, I felt I should give a brief and honest statement as to why I have very little to say at the moment.