In view of the difficult, painful year we have been living through, one might find it hard to believe that I am so extremely thankful today.
To be honest, I am a little surprised myself. How can it be? Instead of feeling sad and bitter, I feel grateful and appreciative.
Is it because lately I feel Angeline's presence so strongly? I am so thankful for the signs she sends me. I truly believe that she reaches out to me from another dimension, and that while we only had a short time together in this life, we will never be separated.
Maybe it's because I realize more than ever that each of us has a path to resolution of such a devastating loss. Some have been fortunate enough to become pregnant again very quickly after the loss of their baby. Others of us did not become pregnant within 3, 4, 5 or more months of trying. There were times when I thought this hindered our ability to heal. I realize now that this is not the case. I have come to know the stories of other BLM's who are unable to conceive in the near future owing to medical concerns or problems impairing fertility. I realize now that another baby does not heal the wound if we have not grieved and mourned our loss. I am grateful that I have had this time to devote completely to Angeline, while I look forward with hope to having another baby in the future.
As they say, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." I am so thankful for the family that was chosen for me. Their love and support has been unwavering. Today, however, I am particularly grateful for the friends I have chosen, and have chosen me. I have such an exceptional group of women who have been at my side throughout this devastating experience. They have come down with me into this dark, lonely place, and helped me to climb back out toward the daylight. Not because they had to, but because they wanted to. They have hurt with me, not just for me. They have cried with me, and made me laugh, too. They love and miss Angeline. In the words of one dear friend just a few days ago, "I will never let her memory go. She will always be a part of my thoughts, heart and life." I was so incredibly touched by these sentiments, because I know she genuinely means every word.
On this Thanksgiving, it is with love that I remember spending last year with my precious girl kicking inside of me, and reflect on the many things I still have to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Angels among us
Today, I believe I received a sign.
Last Saturday, while out to lunch, I looked down and realized something was missing. From my memorial bracelet, a gift from my very dear friend, which I wear every day. I was very upset to see one of the charms was gone, worst of all, it was the silver heart engraved with "Angeline Our Angel."
I felt awful and couldn't believe this charm had come off the bracelet without my noticing it! I realized that I had only been to a few places so far that day. I looked around my bedroom, where I had changed my clothes. My study where I had been working on my computer. Out to the mailbox. I went back to the car wash, looked around and left my number and a description.
The next day, came the torrential rain. I figured if it was outside, it would surely have been washed away. I felt better knowing that the charm would probably have ended up in the drains that empty into the ocean. This was comforting, thinking that the charm would not be in the bottom of a sewer somewhere. In any case, I resigned myself to the fact that it was gone and I would never see it again. I reminded myself that it was only a thing, and that Angeline is always with me - charm or no charm.
I decided to get an exact replacement. I also selected a few new charms to symbolize Angeline and the journey we've been on these past 10 months. I am excited to be adding a special charm in honor of her first birthday in heaven, which is coming up in the end of December.
Today, after a long and rather emotionally draining day, I came home and debated getting the mail. I decided to stop by the mailbox. It was dark, and I could barely see. A little glimmer caught my eye. There on top of the box was.... my charm! I couldn't believe it!! Someone had found it and left it exactly where I would find it. And find it, I did. In the dark, while feeling disappointed and sad. To me, it was a sign. Even when things seem hopeless, and you may be tempted to give up, there is hope.
Last Saturday, while out to lunch, I looked down and realized something was missing. From my memorial bracelet, a gift from my very dear friend, which I wear every day. I was very upset to see one of the charms was gone, worst of all, it was the silver heart engraved with "Angeline Our Angel."
I felt awful and couldn't believe this charm had come off the bracelet without my noticing it! I realized that I had only been to a few places so far that day. I looked around my bedroom, where I had changed my clothes. My study where I had been working on my computer. Out to the mailbox. I went back to the car wash, looked around and left my number and a description.
The next day, came the torrential rain. I figured if it was outside, it would surely have been washed away. I felt better knowing that the charm would probably have ended up in the drains that empty into the ocean. This was comforting, thinking that the charm would not be in the bottom of a sewer somewhere. In any case, I resigned myself to the fact that it was gone and I would never see it again. I reminded myself that it was only a thing, and that Angeline is always with me - charm or no charm.
I decided to get an exact replacement. I also selected a few new charms to symbolize Angeline and the journey we've been on these past 10 months. I am excited to be adding a special charm in honor of her first birthday in heaven, which is coming up in the end of December.
Today, after a long and rather emotionally draining day, I came home and debated getting the mail. I decided to stop by the mailbox. It was dark, and I could barely see. A little glimmer caught my eye. There on top of the box was.... my charm! I couldn't believe it!! Someone had found it and left it exactly where I would find it. And find it, I did. In the dark, while feeling disappointed and sad. To me, it was a sign. Even when things seem hopeless, and you may be tempted to give up, there is hope.
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