Right Where I Am: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days
10 hours ago
Saturday, May 5, 2012
International Bereaved Mother's Day
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Diversions
When we are in a place of darkness and despair, sometimes we need to look around to find inspirations for joy and appreciate what is beautiful in this life.
Last night I attended a Chris Botti performance. It was spectacular overall, and at times breathtaking. Here is one song they performed that was really fun and uplifting. We all need a little levity!
Last night I attended a Chris Botti performance. It was spectacular overall, and at times breathtaking. Here is one song they performed that was really fun and uplifting. We all need a little levity!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Science and life
I recently found a card for Adrian's birthday which had a beautiful saying, attributed to Albert Einstein.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is that nothing is a miracle, the other is that everything is a miracle."
I have an interest in the physics of the cosmos. The only problem is, it's so darn confusing. Difficult to imagine. Hard to wrap you head around. Reading that sort of material is pretty heavy (pun intended). Fortunately, there are some fairly well-done nerdy scientific programs that attempt to discuss the science of space and time, such as the miniseries I was watching today, "How the Universe Works."
I remember becoming more intrigued by the nature of the universe and outer space sometime last year. I heard about things like parallel universes and wondered if they existed. I believe that many people facing an intense personal crisis are led to the inevitable questions of, "what does it all mean?" and "does anything really matter?" This is true even for people of faith. There are those who resist science principles in the name of faith, but for myself and many (if not most) others highly educated in the sciences, these truths actually serve to reinforce belief in a higher power or force, if you will. At a minimum, the existence of another dimension that we don't yet understand and a purposeful design that we cannot explain.
Meanwhile, while we're hanging out here on this rock, miracles abound, if you choose to appreciate them. Sure my baby died, but what a miracle that she was conceived. By the most amazing and intricate process, her unique DNA (created from our DNA) created a tiny being, unlike any other. How miraculous that my body carried and nourished her little soul for her whole life here on earth. Even in the context of loss and terrible pain, I can appreciate the miracle that was my Angeline.
Zooming way out, into the cosmos, thinking about expansion of the universe (the Big Bang versus other competing theories), black holes, worm holes, supernovas, antimatter, the singular theory of matter... By comparison, this planet seems so small, our understanding so limited, humans so powerless. When you really think about the tremendous and powerful forces at play in the universe, you must let go of any delusions of control you may still have. When you realize that there are nomadic black holes out there (millions of them) that could come and suck up our solar system without warning, you have a different perspective of your own personal life. But now, somehow even death seems less threatening, knowing my baby girl has gone before me, how can I be fearful?
Oddly enough, contemplating astrophysics made me think of a meditation I had been listening to recently. (Check out Meditation Oasis on iTunes). The meditation encouraged us to be still in the present moment, not to will one thing or another, or to resist things being the way they are, but rather to exist in the present time peacefully, believing that we are exactly where we are meant to be. Given the incredible unlikeliness that any one of us is here at all, I would have to agree. It is probably true that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be, whether by means of destiny or God or the forces of the universe. As much pain as we may feel at a particular time, we can choose to focus on the miracles and find joy in every day.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is that nothing is a miracle, the other is that everything is a miracle."
I have an interest in the physics of the cosmos. The only problem is, it's so darn confusing. Difficult to imagine. Hard to wrap you head around. Reading that sort of material is pretty heavy (pun intended). Fortunately, there are some fairly well-done nerdy scientific programs that attempt to discuss the science of space and time, such as the miniseries I was watching today, "How the Universe Works."
I remember becoming more intrigued by the nature of the universe and outer space sometime last year. I heard about things like parallel universes and wondered if they existed. I believe that many people facing an intense personal crisis are led to the inevitable questions of, "what does it all mean?" and "does anything really matter?" This is true even for people of faith. There are those who resist science principles in the name of faith, but for myself and many (if not most) others highly educated in the sciences, these truths actually serve to reinforce belief in a higher power or force, if you will. At a minimum, the existence of another dimension that we don't yet understand and a purposeful design that we cannot explain.
Meanwhile, while we're hanging out here on this rock, miracles abound, if you choose to appreciate them. Sure my baby died, but what a miracle that she was conceived. By the most amazing and intricate process, her unique DNA (created from our DNA) created a tiny being, unlike any other. How miraculous that my body carried and nourished her little soul for her whole life here on earth. Even in the context of loss and terrible pain, I can appreciate the miracle that was my Angeline.
Zooming way out, into the cosmos, thinking about expansion of the universe (the Big Bang versus other competing theories), black holes, worm holes, supernovas, antimatter, the singular theory of matter... By comparison, this planet seems so small, our understanding so limited, humans so powerless. When you really think about the tremendous and powerful forces at play in the universe, you must let go of any delusions of control you may still have. When you realize that there are nomadic black holes out there (millions of them) that could come and suck up our solar system without warning, you have a different perspective of your own personal life. But now, somehow even death seems less threatening, knowing my baby girl has gone before me, how can I be fearful?
Oddly enough, contemplating astrophysics made me think of a meditation I had been listening to recently. (Check out Meditation Oasis on iTunes). The meditation encouraged us to be still in the present moment, not to will one thing or another, or to resist things being the way they are, but rather to exist in the present time peacefully, believing that we are exactly where we are meant to be. Given the incredible unlikeliness that any one of us is here at all, I would have to agree. It is probably true that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be, whether by means of destiny or God or the forces of the universe. As much pain as we may feel at a particular time, we can choose to focus on the miracles and find joy in every day.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Another mother
There are some positive and hope-inspiring things happening in my life right now, but tonight my heart is heavy, as I have witnessed the pain and grief of another mother joining our forlorn ranks.
It was emotionally difficult for me to hear the details of her unborn baby's condition a short while back, knowing that it would likely not be long until she would joining our unhappy club. She and her doctors took heroic measures to save her sweet baby. Sadly, not enough could be done.
I was so glad to hear that this brave young mother had held her precious son and loved his earthly body, even after he had gone to heaven. She says he was perfect and beautiful. I know that she will eventually cherish the memories of those moments. She gave her baby a name, so that we can all acknowledge his identity and his personhood. This baby has touched many lives, even as he has passed away from us. I hope that she had some comfort from the few thoughts I was able to share with her even as she faced her worst nightmare. I remember being there, in that horrible place, like it was yesterday. Yet at the same time, I am a fundamentally different person than I was when I started on this difficult path.
This beloved baby reminds us that there is no footprint too small.
(Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/)
It was emotionally difficult for me to hear the details of her unborn baby's condition a short while back, knowing that it would likely not be long until she would joining our unhappy club. She and her doctors took heroic measures to save her sweet baby. Sadly, not enough could be done.
I was so glad to hear that this brave young mother had held her precious son and loved his earthly body, even after he had gone to heaven. She says he was perfect and beautiful. I know that she will eventually cherish the memories of those moments. She gave her baby a name, so that we can all acknowledge his identity and his personhood. This baby has touched many lives, even as he has passed away from us. I hope that she had some comfort from the few thoughts I was able to share with her even as she faced her worst nightmare. I remember being there, in that horrible place, like it was yesterday. Yet at the same time, I am a fundamentally different person than I was when I started on this difficult path.
This beloved baby reminds us that there is no footprint too small.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
March of Dimes
Earlier this week, I had the privilege of attending the March of Dimes 12th Annual Conference for Health Professionals. The conference was entitled, "Trends and Tribulations: Implications for Perinatal Care." The lectures were on a wide range of topics addressing congenital birth defects, research on the causes of preterm birth and maternal mortality (saving the lives of mothers). I was most interested in a lecture discussing universal newborn screening for congenital heart disease, as well as a lecture regarding research on genetic causes of congenital heart disease. Having been to quite a few conferences, I can say with some authority that this was an excellent educational event sponsored by the March of Dimes.
Why am I sharing this?? While some of you may be interested in my educational / intellectual endeavors, the main reason I mention it is because I want to make you aware of some of the important work that the March of Dimes is involved in. At this conference, there were hundreds of medical professionals (nurses, doctors, midwifes) who, after two days, left with more knowledge about how to save the lives of babies and mothers. There were clinical scientists presenting ground-breaking research on prevention of preterm labor and birth, genetic research and studies addressing the health of pregnant women.
Maybe you didn't know that the March of Dimes provides long term grant support to researchers studying congenital defects. Since 1954, 13 scientist supported by the March of Dimes have received the Nobel Prize. Grants from the March of Dimes have led to many important discoveries, such as the genetic causes for Marfan syndrome and Fragile X syndrome. One of the more interesting speakers at the conference was presenting an update on work being done at the Prematurity Research Center at Stanford University. This state of the art, interdiscipinary center was funded by a $20 million grant from the March of Dimes.
As a mother who has lost her daughter to a severe congenital heart defect, I have the utmost appreciation for the mission of the March of Dimes. I want to live to see the day where we understand the causes of and risk factors for the congenital defects that are affecting our babies. To know how to prevent preterm births and how to better care for our preterm infants. For all babies to be screened for life-threatening conditions that are treatable once identified. For every woman to experience a healthy, full term pregnancy without compromising her own health. I will campaign for the March of Dimes from now until I see my daughter again.
Which leads me to the March for Babies. Last year, only a few months after the loss of our daughter, I learned about the March. This national "walkathon" generates funds to support the mission of the March of Dimes to pursue all of the goals I have detailed above. We founded a team called "For Love of Angeline" in 2011. We became one of the top family teams at our community's walk, and I was the top family walker - all thanks to the very generous support offered by our family, friends and colleagues. In 2012, Team "For Love of Angeline" is off to a great start. We have added several teammates who are actively campaigning as well. Two of my friends who are participating also have children who have been affected by congenital defects and preterm birth. They have been inspired by our efforts to join with us and raise funds for this most important cause.
As I see it, the mission of the March of Dimes should matter to everyone. Have you had a healthy baby? If yes, give because you are thankful. Have you had a baby too early? Give because your child benefited from care in NICU and survived. Have you lost a pregnancy owing to preterm labor or preeclampsia? Give because these are two areas of very active research supported by the March of Dimes. Have you experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or recurrent pregnancy loss? Give because you want to encourage research on genetic diseases and risk factors for miscarriage and late pregnancy loss. Perhaps you don't have a baby yet, but may have one someday. Give because the work of the March of Dimes may one day save your child's life. No one is going to do this for our children if we won't.
I hope I have encouraged you to consider supporting this amazing organization. Maybe you will rise to the challenge of starting a family team in your community or participating in a company team through your employer. If you cannot participate in your area for whatever reason, please consider making a contribution to our team via the March for Babies website (link on sidebar). No gift is too small. We would love to know that Angeline touched you and helped move you to support the fight for babies' lives.
Why am I sharing this?? While some of you may be interested in my educational / intellectual endeavors, the main reason I mention it is because I want to make you aware of some of the important work that the March of Dimes is involved in. At this conference, there were hundreds of medical professionals (nurses, doctors, midwifes) who, after two days, left with more knowledge about how to save the lives of babies and mothers. There were clinical scientists presenting ground-breaking research on prevention of preterm labor and birth, genetic research and studies addressing the health of pregnant women.
Maybe you didn't know that the March of Dimes provides long term grant support to researchers studying congenital defects. Since 1954, 13 scientist supported by the March of Dimes have received the Nobel Prize. Grants from the March of Dimes have led to many important discoveries, such as the genetic causes for Marfan syndrome and Fragile X syndrome. One of the more interesting speakers at the conference was presenting an update on work being done at the Prematurity Research Center at Stanford University. This state of the art, interdiscipinary center was funded by a $20 million grant from the March of Dimes.
As a mother who has lost her daughter to a severe congenital heart defect, I have the utmost appreciation for the mission of the March of Dimes. I want to live to see the day where we understand the causes of and risk factors for the congenital defects that are affecting our babies. To know how to prevent preterm births and how to better care for our preterm infants. For all babies to be screened for life-threatening conditions that are treatable once identified. For every woman to experience a healthy, full term pregnancy without compromising her own health. I will campaign for the March of Dimes from now until I see my daughter again.
Which leads me to the March for Babies. Last year, only a few months after the loss of our daughter, I learned about the March. This national "walkathon" generates funds to support the mission of the March of Dimes to pursue all of the goals I have detailed above. We founded a team called "For Love of Angeline" in 2011. We became one of the top family teams at our community's walk, and I was the top family walker - all thanks to the very generous support offered by our family, friends and colleagues. In 2012, Team "For Love of Angeline" is off to a great start. We have added several teammates who are actively campaigning as well. Two of my friends who are participating also have children who have been affected by congenital defects and preterm birth. They have been inspired by our efforts to join with us and raise funds for this most important cause.
As I see it, the mission of the March of Dimes should matter to everyone. Have you had a healthy baby? If yes, give because you are thankful. Have you had a baby too early? Give because your child benefited from care in NICU and survived. Have you lost a pregnancy owing to preterm labor or preeclampsia? Give because these are two areas of very active research supported by the March of Dimes. Have you experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or recurrent pregnancy loss? Give because you want to encourage research on genetic diseases and risk factors for miscarriage and late pregnancy loss. Perhaps you don't have a baby yet, but may have one someday. Give because the work of the March of Dimes may one day save your child's life. No one is going to do this for our children if we won't.
I hope I have encouraged you to consider supporting this amazing organization. Maybe you will rise to the challenge of starting a family team in your community or participating in a company team through your employer. If you cannot participate in your area for whatever reason, please consider making a contribution to our team via the March for Babies website (link on sidebar). No gift is too small. We would love to know that Angeline touched you and helped move you to support the fight for babies' lives.
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