My precious gift

For every baby loss mother, at some point or another, the thought enters her mind, "What if my baby had never been conceived?"  

On the most basic level, one could ask: What if, that night, I had just gone to sleep early?  Or he had gotten home a little later, tired.  I would have never seen those two pink lines.  Never gone to the doctor, had screening labs, ultrasounds, all of which reassured me that we had a healthy girl on the way.  What if I had never carried her, known what she felt like growing inside of me?  Never anticipated her arrival with joy and the most profound love possible.  Never shared the excitement of her new life with family and friends near and far.

I never would have awoken that fateful morning and known something was not right.  And then, slowly to my horror, realized that something was in fact, dreadfully wrong.  I would not have gone to my hospital, up to fetal diagnostics and undergone the ultrasound exam that would end with my whole world crashing down.  There would have been no labor and delivery of little Angeline, born still, but still born.  None of the rest would have followed.  The numbness, the grief, the pain, the isolation, the extended suffering, then later the slow repair and recovery.

If you are not a baby loss mother, it may be hard to understand how I could say that I do not, even for a moment, regret that my daughter was conceived.  I do not wish her existence away.  Angeline's short life touched many others, and continues to do so, even now as she is gone for more than two years.

Of all the many lives she affected, of course, none has been changed more so than my own life.  I truly regard this child as a precious gift.  I believe that Angeline has influenced me in a manner that will direct the course of the rest of my time on earth.  In so many ways, she has increased my emotional depth: understanding the nature of one of the deepest sorrows possible, appreciating the delicate process of grief, morning and healing, a sense of genuine compassion and empathy for all forms of suffering, learning to live with joy in the face of adversity, carrying on with dignity when confronted with insensitivity and ignorance.
Because of Angeline I am stronger, smarter, more ambitious and confident.  I am a passionate advocate for other babies and families.  My relationship has grown stronger, not weaker, because of our daughter.   I will be a better mother to living children because she has transformed my soul.