It is what it is.

"It is what it is."

Gosh, I have always hated this saying. I would practically cringe when I heard people say this overused and too-broadly-applied phrase. To be honest, maybe I do see a use for this expression.

At the moment, for me, it sort of expresses a level of acceptance I now have for my grief.

I am not referring to what happened to Angeline. I would never use these words to describe her death. I will never totally accept or be at peace with what happened to our daughter. I do however, understand that her little heart formed with a severe defect. I know that surviving to birth would have led to significant interventions, including major open heart surgeries. I believe that there is a strong possibility that she would have suffered and eventually died anyway. I regard the time I carried Angeline inside of me as the greatest and most important time in my life. I believe that her life was a gift, however short. I am truly grateful to be her mother.

My agonizing, mind-numbing grief began suddenly and without warning when we lost Angeline. The nine months that followed have been filled with sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment, but also gratitude, love, appreciation and finally hope. Grief is truly a winding road, with obstacles, steep inclines, sharp turns and switchbacks. Surprisingly, you occasionally find beautiful scenery and restful settings along the way. There comes a point in profound grief when you realize that you are, in fact, surviving. Perhaps not happily. You come to a point which may possibly be the proverbial bottom. It is as if you look at your life and say: This is not what I had hoped for, not what I wanted, not what I expected, but it isn't all bad. There are still good things in my life, even in spite of my misery. You might actually look back on your suffering and say, "it is what it is."

Did it make me stronger, more compassionate, more empathetic, more loving, more introspective, more grateful?? I don't know. Probably. Was it worth the price of my precious daughter? Definitely not. I do miss being the person I was before this happened to us. That girl is gone and I am someone new.