Introduction

Never did I expect that I would become a "blogger."  About anything.  Least of all did I expect that I would be describing a journey following the loss of my first child, a daughter we named Angeline.

2010 did not start out as a good year for us.  Adrian and I actually experienced a very early miscarriage in late January, probably about 7 weeks or so, but I had not yet had a first trimester ultrasound, so we can't really be sure.  At the time, this was difficult.  I felt there was a cloud of sadness hanging over us.  On the other hand, I believed that there was a good reason (so to speak) that this pregnancy "didn't stick."  Usually, early miscarriages like this are the result of genetic problems or implantation problems.  I was upset and very disappointed, of course, but recovered reasonably quickly.  While following my doctors orders to wait a specified period of time before conceiving again, we took some time to enjoy what I hoped would be among our last trips as a couple for awhile - we took a trip to Hawaii in March, in April a weekend in LA, Santa Barbara in May.  By the time June rolled around, I felt we were ready to move ahead and try again.  Having read up on fertility monitoring and employing the wonders of modern home screening, I was hopeful we would conceive sooner rather than later.

I learned of my pregnancy in the very end of June.  To be sure, this was a wanted baby, a planned pregnancy.  I believed I was pregnant before actually seeing the positive test.  I just knew our efforts had been successful.  I was thrilled to see that second pink line!  My doctor had instructed me to contact the office when I did have a positive test, and she started monitoring my serum BHCG and progesterone levels, given that I had previous had an early miscarriage.  I had levels drawn every other day for about a week, and was reassured that everything was rising appropriately.  I remember the first ultrasound, and the beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat.  I was cautiously optimistic, but nervous about another first trimester loss.

It wasn't until I went to have my 12 week ultrasound and nuchal translucency study that I was even ready to share our good news with my parents.  I knew they would be overjoyed - their first grandchild!  I remember being so anxious about the NT, I was hoping and praying that it would be normal.  What a relief it was when I learned that it was perfectly normal.  That evening I sent my parents and email of the ultrasound pictures - the technician had drawn a little conversation balloon for the baby that said, "Here I am!"  As expected, my parents were ecstatic, practically more excited than we were.

From the very beginning, I was very careful to observe all the rules for a healthy pregnancy.  No alcohol, no caffeine, no soft cheeses, no fish with high mercury content.  I altered my pescetarian diet to include chicken.  I avoided hazardous exposures at work.  I exercised moderately until about 18 weeks and then kept active with long walks, etc., careful to stay hydrated and never to push myself too hard.  I stopped wearing a cellphone on my waistband.  I was cautious about all skin products and didn't even highlight my hair until well into my second trimester.  I would very rarely take any over the counter medications, and only those on the "safe list."  I carefully monitored my weight gain - not too much, not too little, just right.

The first trimester was uncomfortable, but not terrible.  I had some nausea from about 7-10 weeks.  I had the usual various GI issues, food aversions and generally felt sort of bloated and uncomfortable until moving on into the second trimester.  After that, I started feeling pretty good.  Actually, I felt very good.  I would even go so far as to say I was getting used to the whole thing.  At about 20 weeks, we found out our baby was a girl.  Originally, I didn't mind either way - all I wanted was a healthy baby.  Once I knew, I had so much fun picking out girly things for our daughter!  The third trimester I was still feeling great, my only physical issue was that of my rapidly expanding belly - it was getting hard to put on my socks and bend over to pick up things on the floor.  Otherwise, I felt fantastic.  I went for routine appointments with my obstetrician.  I think I was a pretty boring patient, which is good, of course.  I basically had no complaints.  All of my screenings were normal.  Each of my ultrasounds showed my baby was growing perfectly.

I had great fetal movement.  While reading in bed, I would sometimes get kicks so big my magazine or book would literally bounce.  I would impress Adrian with our baby's acrobatics.  He would tease me and tell me that she wanted some peace and quiet when I was talking too much.  Once while we were snuggling up in bed, she gave him a big kick in the back.  I felt certain she would end up being a very active child, maybe a dancer, maybe an athlete.  She was so full of energy and life.

In December, I traveled back to New York for a shower with family and friends.  It was just a little early - I was about 28 weeks, but I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable flying across country after the holidays.  I would be well into the 3rd trimester by then and planned on staying within a short drive of the hospital and my regular OB!

Adrian and I had a quiet Christmas.  We did not have family visiting this year.  We had dinner with my cousin and her husband on the 23rd.  We planned an outing on Christmas Eve, which was very nice.  We spent Christmas at home.  Adrian made omelets for breakfast and we watched "It's a Wonderful Life."  We exchanged gifts - from Adrian, I received a beautiful necklace with special significance.  The pendant has two circles of pave diamonds with a small circle of diamonds in the middle - to represent us and the baby.  He brought tears to my eyes.  We enjoyed the holiday and anticipated how next year would be much different.  Our baby could be crawling (or even walking!) by then.  I am so grateful for that happy time we spent on Christmas, enjoying our baby and our plans for the future.

A few days later everything changed.  I will close with a copy of the email I sent to our family and friends in early January 2011.



As you know, Adrian and I were happily anticipating the arrival of our baby girl around the first week of March.  As you have heard, this past week we experienced a horrible turn of events.  Many of you have had some updates from my parents, and I wanted to respond to your kind messages myself and share some details of our experience.  


I was 30w 5d into what has been a completely normal, healthy pregnancy.  All of my screening tests had been reassuring and there had been no indications of problems whatsoever.  I had been seen in my OB's office on Tuesday afternoon, where normal fetal heart tones were documented and my exam right on track.  I decided to spend the evening relaxing, we had a light dinner at home and watched a movie.  I awoke early Wednesday morning and thought I noticed a decrease in the baby's movement.  I became increasingly concerned when I was unable to locate fetal heart tones on my home monitor.  I called my OB and was instructed to report immediately to the hospital for fetal diagnostic testing.  By this time, I was very concerned, but not in complete panic, as I felt certain there must be some explanation, such as a change in the baby's position.  I simply did not believe that something would go so wrong at this late date.  


Our nightmare began when the high-risk OB performed an ultrasound - within seconds, I knew for certain that our baby girl had died.  I will never forget the moment that he turned the monitor toward me to see the absence of the heartbeat with my own eyes.  We were told that the ultrasound findings suggested this was a very recent event, likely within the previous 12 hours.  There were no abnormalities seen otherwise, and I was told this was possibly an "umbilical cord accident."  We were instantly devastated.  


We spent a difficult day at home waiting for my OB to return from her holiday travels.  I went in for the induction of labor late Wednesday evening.  The epidural was perfect, it went in very smoothly and was very effective - I had it in for many hours and never felt any significant discomfort from contractions or the delivery.  The induction took hours - the whole day Thursday, in fact.  Of course, Adrian was there and my cousin came in early in the day and stayed with us until the end.  Several of my friends and colleagues came by during the day on Thursday, everyone showed so much love and support.  My phone never stopped alerting me with text messages and calls from friends / family from back East expressing sympathy and support.  While it was difficult to spend so much time in this process, I think it was probably helpful in terms of helping us to psychologically adjust to what was going on.  I was finally ready for delivery just before midnight.  My OB arrived within 15 mins of our call.  She was wonderful, in such a horrible situation, she tried to make everything as easy and painless as possible.  


I finally delivered just after midnight on 12/31.  We named her Angeline, as she will be our angel baby.  The delivery was quick and painless, there were no complications.  There was no obvious abnormality seen at the time of delivery, except for a short umbilical cord, according to my OB.  She also noted it was slightly difficult to draw the cord blood and there may be a clot.  Of course, the placenta, cord and baby will be examined by the pathologists. 


I did all of the things that are suggested in this situation - I held the baby, we took pictures.  The hospital has a protocol where they prepare a "keepsake" box with various items, and there is an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep," which sends a professional photographer take do photos that are airbrushed and touched up to remove signs of bruising, etc.  I told the baby that she was wanted and we loved her, and that I didn't know why she had to go, but that we would miss her very much.  I had the hospital chaplain come in and say a blessing for us. 


I was discharged at noontime on 12/31 and I have been recuperating here at home.  We are doing as well as could be expected.  

We would like to thank all of you for the many expressions of sympathy, love and support you have given us.  As sorrowful a time as this is, we are overwhelmed by the goodness of the wonderful people in our lives who have done so much to ease our pain.  Thank you all.  We love you.