Where we've been

It has only been two weeks since our nightmare began.  It seems like much longer.  It was two weeks ago on that fateful Wednesday morning that I suspected something was wrong and went to the hospital for the ultrasound that would change our lives forever.

From the very beginning, I have tried my best to deal with this devastating experience in a way to minimize the collateral damage.  Even as I underwent my induction of labor, I started reading parts of the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of your Baby," by Deborah Davis, Ph.D.  This book deals with the subject of pregnancy loss and infant death in an extremely sensitive and insightful way.   I considered the book's recommendations for affirming my baby and creating memories.  I was fortunate to be delivering at a hospital that has an excellent program in place for perinatal loss.  In addition to compassionate care from experienced Labor and Delivery nurses, the hospital protocol encouraged and helped me to acknowledge my baby, the loss of her life and to create tangible reminders of our experience.  After the delivery, I held her and took time to look at her delicate, lifeless body.  The nurses took pictures of me with the baby and the baby alone.  They created a keepsake box with various items such as her baby blanket, her pink hat, hospital bracelets, a small photo album and a CD of many other photos.  A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came in the morning; she created beautiful images that I already cherish.    

I have been so grateful to the many expressions of support and sympathy from family, friends and colleagues.  I received many calls, texts and emails even while in labor in the hospital.  From the time we came home, 12 hours after the delivery, we started receiving cards, flowers and food from our network of support.  My mom flew across country to spend the week with us.  Several of my girlfriends have been particularly wonderful - we have been through thick and thin in the past, and they have been there for me at this time I needed them the most.  My colleagues at work covered for me and encouraged me to take off as much time as I needed.  In the midst of our agonizing grief, I have not felt that we were alone.

We have had some very hard days.  The day we went to the mortuary to sign paperwork allowing our daughter's body to be released was very difficult and affected me deeply.  I chose an urn for her ashes:  "size appropriate for infants up to six pounds."  We still anxiously await results from pathology and autopsy.  We have no answers, to this point we believe she was a normal, healthy girl.

I have started attending a perinatal loss support group.  It meets on Tuesday evenings and is very well attended.  I have been impressed with how constructive this one hour session seems to be.  I plan to keep going and I expect it will help me significantly with the process of grief and eventual recovery.

We put away our baby things.  I viewed this as an act of hope - our little Angeline won't need these things, but we hope that someday we will use them for her little sister or brother.

We went for long walks.  We talked about how we felt.  Although we have different styles of coping, I think we are both doing as well as can be expected.

So, that's where we've been these past two weeks.