Remembering who you were, acknowledging who you have become

I think that there is definitely something to be said for immersing oneself completely in grief.  For some period of time, I think this is the right thing, and the healthy thing to do.  After a loss, sometimes being consumed by grief and not running away (or trying to hide) is the only way that the new reality sinks in.  My new reality: "my baby died," and "yes, I have a child, she died."  As horrible as it feels to say these things, it is the truth and it is now a part of who I am.

But what about the rest of who I am?  What about all the things that made me who I was before I became pregnant with Angeline?  As one of my girlfriends recently reminded me, those things are important, too.  The sad fact is that nothing can bring my daughter back, nothing can change what has happened.  While respecting my loss and experiencing a period of grief, we must somehow pick up the pieces of our shattered expectations and move forward.  Not move on, exactly, but move through.  Part of moving forward will be trying to take an interest in things I cared about before this terrible tragedy happened.

To be honest, it is hard to force myself to feign interest in going to dinner with a friend.  I am not too hungry, and I don't know what we'll talk about.  I will go, however, because my friendships are still important to me, just as they were before - probably even more so than before.  I realize just how valuable good friends are; relationships need to be cultivated and should not be neglected.

The same is true of one's relationship with their partner.  In Dr. Davis's book, she says, "Remember that before you were parents, you were friends and lovers."  Even though we are both hurting very deeply, I think that we need to try to take an interest in things and activities we previously enjoyed together.  We need to remember what we loved about each other in the first place.

I will be going back to work soon.  Work has always been a large part of my identity, since it took so long for me to train to become the professional that I am now, and it consumes so much of my time.  I will be re-entering my work environment as a changed person.  I think that going back will help me to remember who I was before this happened.

So, in these next few days, I will be focusing on remembering who I was before while still acknowledging who I have become.