Halloween is almost here

Today it is the 29th. Ten months now since our nightmare started. I have come to a point where I try not to focus on the significance of this day. I don't see any point in giving special importance to this monthly date on the calendar, when I have a daily, ongoing pain. There doesn't seem to be any reason to exacerbate my baseline level of sadness and hurt by paying special attention to the fact that is once again the 29th of the month.

This is Halloween weekend. Last year, I was really starting to show by this time. I was about 22 weeks pregnant. We dressed up: A. was a Centurion and I was a Roman lady. It was the only costume I could find that didn't look absolutely ridiculous. This one had a nice high Empire waist that left room for my pregnant belly. Our friends had a very extravagant adults-only Halloween party which was great time. I remember talking with so many people at that party about our little one, and how excited we were. We have this great picture from the party with A.'s hand on my belly. He looks so happy and proud. This year, there are no costumes. We won't be observing Halloween festivities.

So begins what will probably prove to be a difficult time for us. It seems like once Halloween roles around, the holiday season comes barreling right behind. To be honest, I don't think the season will be all bad. This is because I remember the holidays last year as being some of the happiest times of my life. Angeline was very much with us at that time. I even know she liked eggnog! Things seemed so good. I was full of hope and anticipation. Little did I know that 2011 would be a year of grief and sorrow, rather than joy and celebration.

As the months have passed, I have wished and prayed that things would somehow change for the better. That there would be some relief. Most days I feel as I have simply had to bear up and survive. What relief has come has been in the form of wonderful, loving people supporting me. People who never expected that their role as friend or family member would include being there for me as I mourn the loss of my daughter. I am truly in awe of some of the amazing individuals who have surrounded me and helped me to keep going. I have been blessed to have access to the best doctors and professionals to help me sort through what has happened and how to continue on with my life. For these things I am grateful. Perhaps this is how God answers our prayers, by putting these special people in our lives.