In view of the difficult, painful year we have been living through, one might find it hard to believe that I am so extremely thankful today.
To be honest, I am a little surprised myself. How can it be? Instead of feeling sad and bitter, I feel grateful and appreciative.
Is it because lately I feel Angeline's presence so strongly? I am so thankful for the signs she sends me. I truly believe that she reaches out to me from another dimension, and that while we only had a short time together in this life, we will never be separated.
Maybe it's because I realize more than ever that each of us has a path to resolution of such a devastating loss. Some have been fortunate enough to become pregnant again very quickly after the loss of their baby. Others of us did not become pregnant within 3, 4, 5 or more months of trying. There were times when I thought this hindered our ability to heal. I realize now that this is not the case. I have come to know the stories of other BLM's who are unable to conceive in the near future owing to medical concerns or problems impairing fertility. I realize now that another baby does not heal the wound if we have not grieved and mourned our loss. I am grateful that I have had this time to devote completely to Angeline, while I look forward with hope to having another baby in the future.
As they say, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." I am so thankful for the family that was chosen for me. Their love and support has been unwavering. Today, however, I am particularly grateful for the friends I have chosen, and have chosen me. I have such an exceptional group of women who have been at my side throughout this devastating experience. They have come down with me into this dark, lonely place, and helped me to climb back out toward the daylight. Not because they had to, but because they wanted to. They have hurt with me, not just for me. They have cried with me, and made me laugh, too. They love and miss Angeline. In the words of one dear friend just a few days ago, "I will never let her memory go. She will always be a part of my thoughts, heart and life." I was so incredibly touched by these sentiments, because I know she genuinely means every word.
On this Thanksgiving, it is with love that I remember spending last year with my precious girl kicking inside of me, and reflect on the many things I still have to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Angels among us
Today, I believe I received a sign.
Last Saturday, while out to lunch, I looked down and realized something was missing. From my memorial bracelet, a gift from my very dear friend, which I wear every day. I was very upset to see one of the charms was gone, worst of all, it was the silver heart engraved with "Angeline Our Angel."
I felt awful and couldn't believe this charm had come off the bracelet without my noticing it! I realized that I had only been to a few places so far that day. I looked around my bedroom, where I had changed my clothes. My study where I had been working on my computer. Out to the mailbox. I went back to the car wash, looked around and left my number and a description.
The next day, came the torrential rain. I figured if it was outside, it would surely have been washed away. I felt better knowing that the charm would probably have ended up in the drains that empty into the ocean. This was comforting, thinking that the charm would not be in the bottom of a sewer somewhere. In any case, I resigned myself to the fact that it was gone and I would never see it again. I reminded myself that it was only a thing, and that Angeline is always with me - charm or no charm.
I decided to get an exact replacement. I also selected a few new charms to symbolize Angeline and the journey we've been on these past 10 months. I am excited to be adding a special charm in honor of her first birthday in heaven, which is coming up in the end of December.
Today, after a long and rather emotionally draining day, I came home and debated getting the mail. I decided to stop by the mailbox. It was dark, and I could barely see. A little glimmer caught my eye. There on top of the box was.... my charm! I couldn't believe it!! Someone had found it and left it exactly where I would find it. And find it, I did. In the dark, while feeling disappointed and sad. To me, it was a sign. Even when things seem hopeless, and you may be tempted to give up, there is hope.
Last Saturday, while out to lunch, I looked down and realized something was missing. From my memorial bracelet, a gift from my very dear friend, which I wear every day. I was very upset to see one of the charms was gone, worst of all, it was the silver heart engraved with "Angeline Our Angel."
I felt awful and couldn't believe this charm had come off the bracelet without my noticing it! I realized that I had only been to a few places so far that day. I looked around my bedroom, where I had changed my clothes. My study where I had been working on my computer. Out to the mailbox. I went back to the car wash, looked around and left my number and a description.
The next day, came the torrential rain. I figured if it was outside, it would surely have been washed away. I felt better knowing that the charm would probably have ended up in the drains that empty into the ocean. This was comforting, thinking that the charm would not be in the bottom of a sewer somewhere. In any case, I resigned myself to the fact that it was gone and I would never see it again. I reminded myself that it was only a thing, and that Angeline is always with me - charm or no charm.
I decided to get an exact replacement. I also selected a few new charms to symbolize Angeline and the journey we've been on these past 10 months. I am excited to be adding a special charm in honor of her first birthday in heaven, which is coming up in the end of December.
Today, after a long and rather emotionally draining day, I came home and debated getting the mail. I decided to stop by the mailbox. It was dark, and I could barely see. A little glimmer caught my eye. There on top of the box was.... my charm! I couldn't believe it!! Someone had found it and left it exactly where I would find it. And find it, I did. In the dark, while feeling disappointed and sad. To me, it was a sign. Even when things seem hopeless, and you may be tempted to give up, there is hope.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Halloween is almost here
Today it is the 29th. Ten months now since our nightmare started. I have come to a point where I try not to focus on the significance of this day. I don't see any point in giving special importance to this monthly date on the calendar, when I have a daily, ongoing pain. There doesn't seem to be any reason to exacerbate my baseline level of sadness and hurt by paying special attention to the fact that is once again the 29th of the month.
This is Halloween weekend. Last year, I was really starting to show by this time. I was about 22 weeks pregnant. We dressed up: A. was a Centurion and I was a Roman lady. It was the only costume I could find that didn't look absolutely ridiculous. This one had a nice high Empire waist that left room for my pregnant belly. Our friends had a very extravagant adults-only Halloween party which was great time. I remember talking with so many people at that party about our little one, and how excited we were. We have this great picture from the party with A.'s hand on my belly. He looks so happy and proud. This year, there are no costumes. We won't be observing Halloween festivities.
So begins what will probably prove to be a difficult time for us. It seems like once Halloween roles around, the holiday season comes barreling right behind. To be honest, I don't think the season will be all bad. This is because I remember the holidays last year as being some of the happiest times of my life. Angeline was very much with us at that time. I even know she liked eggnog! Things seemed so good. I was full of hope and anticipation. Little did I know that 2011 would be a year of grief and sorrow, rather than joy and celebration.
As the months have passed, I have wished and prayed that things would somehow change for the better. That there would be some relief. Most days I feel as I have simply had to bear up and survive. What relief has come has been in the form of wonderful, loving people supporting me. People who never expected that their role as friend or family member would include being there for me as I mourn the loss of my daughter. I am truly in awe of some of the amazing individuals who have surrounded me and helped me to keep going. I have been blessed to have access to the best doctors and professionals to help me sort through what has happened and how to continue on with my life. For these things I am grateful. Perhaps this is how God answers our prayers, by putting these special people in our lives.
This is Halloween weekend. Last year, I was really starting to show by this time. I was about 22 weeks pregnant. We dressed up: A. was a Centurion and I was a Roman lady. It was the only costume I could find that didn't look absolutely ridiculous. This one had a nice high Empire waist that left room for my pregnant belly. Our friends had a very extravagant adults-only Halloween party which was great time. I remember talking with so many people at that party about our little one, and how excited we were. We have this great picture from the party with A.'s hand on my belly. He looks so happy and proud. This year, there are no costumes. We won't be observing Halloween festivities.
So begins what will probably prove to be a difficult time for us. It seems like once Halloween roles around, the holiday season comes barreling right behind. To be honest, I don't think the season will be all bad. This is because I remember the holidays last year as being some of the happiest times of my life. Angeline was very much with us at that time. I even know she liked eggnog! Things seemed so good. I was full of hope and anticipation. Little did I know that 2011 would be a year of grief and sorrow, rather than joy and celebration.
As the months have passed, I have wished and prayed that things would somehow change for the better. That there would be some relief. Most days I feel as I have simply had to bear up and survive. What relief has come has been in the form of wonderful, loving people supporting me. People who never expected that their role as friend or family member would include being there for me as I mourn the loss of my daughter. I am truly in awe of some of the amazing individuals who have surrounded me and helped me to keep going. I have been blessed to have access to the best doctors and professionals to help me sort through what has happened and how to continue on with my life. For these things I am grateful. Perhaps this is how God answers our prayers, by putting these special people in our lives.
Friday, October 14, 2011
October 15th and the tragedy in Seal Beach
October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will get up early to attend the OC Walk to Remember memorial ceremony in honor of our lost children. This will be my first time, but I am told that the names of each of our precious babies will be read. I will be there in honor of my daughter. I have made a financial contribution to this organization, which funds perinatal loss support services in my area.
This has been a difficult week. I have had a hard time with my own grief, and have experienced the shock of having a violent tragedy in a neighboring community. We frequent Seal Beach on a regular basis. Having a blood massacre occur so close to home has been stunning and traumatic even though we have not been personally affected. My heart breaks for the victims and the families whose lives have been devastated. They will never be the same. Many people don't realize how profound a ripple effect comes from a tragedy such as this. It makes me sad to see letter and expressions of grief from loved ones left behind - particularly when I see them asking God why this happened. They don't know yet, sometimes there is no reason.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A little comic relief
If you every have the opportunity to see Anjelah Johnson perform live, you must go. Do not bring your husband or significant other, unless he is very in touch with his feminine side. Bring a couple girlfriends. Ideally, don't be pregnant at the time, so you can enjoy a few adult beverages.
So, one of her most famous skits is the one about the nail salon. I will leave you to find that on your own. It's hilarious.
Today, I had occasion to think of another one of her skits. It is the one where she talks about people disguising gossip as prayer requests. Warning, this skit mentions pregnancy. Not pregnant-after-a-loss, planned, wanted pregnancy, but rather the oops, teenage, unplanned variety.
In all seriousness, the truth is that this kind of gossip is the most offensive type out there. As Anjelah says, "Gossiping is bad. Don't do it. Nothing good comes of it."
So, one of her most famous skits is the one about the nail salon. I will leave you to find that on your own. It's hilarious.
Today, I had occasion to think of another one of her skits. It is the one where she talks about people disguising gossip as prayer requests. Warning, this skit mentions pregnancy. Not pregnant-after-a-loss, planned, wanted pregnancy, but rather the oops, teenage, unplanned variety.
In all seriousness, the truth is that this kind of gossip is the most offensive type out there. As Anjelah says, "Gossiping is bad. Don't do it. Nothing good comes of it."
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