Tomorrow marks one year

December 29th will mark one year since the worst day of my life. No, not just worst day. Most horrifying, surreal, earth-shattering moment of my life to date, and hopefully ever. It is still hard for me to fathom how much my life changed on that day.

I relived it a little today, because in 2010, the 29th was a Wednesday. The Wednesday after Christmas. The Wednesday before the New Year. The Wednesday my daughter died.

One year: 52 weeks or 365 days. Eight thousand, seven hundred and sixty hours. More than half a million seconds. I can't believe it, but here I am.

We survived the Christmas holiday without her this year. We surrounded ourselves with friends and family who are sensitive to all we have been through, and continue to go through. We made the best of things. I was actually able to find some peace and even joy in the celebration. It now seems so hard to imagine that it was meant to be Angeline's "First Christmas." Little did I know that last year would be her only Christmas with us.

The past few days we have remained positive, in spite of everything. We have had fun, laughed, loved, indulged... sort of the way the holiday season is meant to be. Only not quite. There is an underlying sadness and ache, but these days, it's just a part of me. Of us. Forever.

You might not realize it to look at us, if you didn't know. But life keeps rubbing salt in the wound. Like the couple sitting next to me at the restaurant last night, gushing about their one-year old twins, a boy and a girl. Carrying on about how lucky they are, they're "done," flashing pictures. That conversation quickly brought me back to reality and took the wind out of my sails. On the other hand, I am just getting used to it. Why wouldn't that happen to us 48 hours before the anniversary of our daughter's death? It would be too much to expect to enjoy an evening out in peace, I suppose.

I am hoping that tomorrow will be a peaceful day, which we plan to spend immersed in majestic natural beauty. Somehow I feel that this will lessen the pain and have a healing effect. In any case, I believe at the end of the day, I will still be standing.