Well, it's official. Having the anniversary of your baby's death and Christmas in the same week really makes for a bad time in December. That's actually an understatement. There are few times during the year that a baby-loss parent feels worse than the build up to the anniversary and the Christmas holiday. Lucky me, I get them both together. Oh, and did I mention that I have no other living children? And not pregnant?
If you think I sound like I'm not in a good mood, you are correct. I am experiencing something of a resurgence in a lot of the feelings that had finally started to fade away. Just when I thought I could breathe again...
Not too long ago, a well-meaning person said to me, "I really believe that life gives us only what we can handle." Of course, this is like nails on a blackboard to some of us, so I politely (but firmly) pointed out that this simply is not this case, and indeed quite a few people are faced with burdens that they can't endure. Leading to outcomes like clinical depression and suicide, to name a few. She paused and then came back with, "Well, do you think life has given you more than you can handle?" I was a little taken aback. Surely, I have been through some absolutely horrifically painful experiences in this past year. But was I completely broken yet? Well, no, I guessed not. And I admitted that to her.
Meanwhile, now that this nightmare of a year is drawing to an end, I think I can honestly say that I really have had just about all I can handle. I am hoping that we can survive the next few weeks and that 2012 will bring better times for us.
I hope that all of you are holding up during this very difficult time.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
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3 comments:
I'm right here with you. mood and all.
this sucks. I wish so much that you didn't have to experience this pain. double whammy. I can't imagine.
There are so many phony "inspirational quotes" about life that just make no sense at all after you lose a child.
and as for that question,if someone asked me that, I would have a hard time not letting it enrage me....
No i am not suicidal. But that doesn't mean that i don't long for death much more then i ever did before. Part of me is already there, with my son. I have not "given up" and i am not "completely broken".... but somedays.... this loss is more than one can handle. There are somedays where i feel 100% insane or isolated. There are some days that i can't get out of bed, there are some days when just getting to the mailbox is something to celebrate. I am still breathing....but I guess it depends on your definition of handle.
To me, it just sounds insensitive.
Like, you deserve it because you can take it.
and i feel like it's just temping life in a bad way.... you say something like that to the wrong person and then they take their own life..... bad news.
people say stupid things...mostly well meaning,i know and I know your frustration.....Praying for grace to make it through this holiday season...you without your Angeline and my without my Nevaeh....
Hang in there and know that you, and your sweet angel are loved. I cannot even imagine what the coming days will hold for you, please know that I think of you often and hold you close in my heart and prayers. XO
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