The glimmer of hope

Lately, I have heard myself laughing sometimes.  A couple times upon being asked, "How are you?" I have replied, "Good."  Without thinking, without hesitance.  Is it possible that I am healing, even a little bit?

I don't mean to say that I am suddenly better.  Not at all.  I still feel agonizing pain over Angeline's death, and my mind can wander into some very dark places if I let it.  I don't expect that these feelings will ever go away, but maybe I am learning what it is like to live with this.  

I recently spent an evening out with a group of mothers of lost babies.  It was a girls night, where we talked about our babies and all sorts of unrelated things.  We laughed a lot.  I left with such a feeling of awe in the potential for recovery of the human spirit.  We've all been through hell and back, yet there we were: talking and laughing, eating, having a couple drinks.  I realized that in spite of the heavy weight of our respective losses, we still have the capacity for happiness, friendship, love.  Maybe we are even better at those things, because we realize how fleeting life can be.

I learned that one of the incredibly strong baby-loss mothers who I know is now expecting. I felt such excitement and joy for that family.  They are simply so deserving of a healthy baby to take home with them.  I have heard of other new babies on the way for mothers in our online community.  Each announcement gives me hope for the future for all of us.

It seems like there is a glimmer of hope lighting a dark passageway.