Summertime...

Wow. We are in the second half of August. That means that summer is drawing to a close.

It's been a while since I posted. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, a lot of talking to my therapist. But I have not done a lot of blogging. I really admire the women who consistently write thought-provoking and insightful blog posts on a frequent basis. I wish I could be more like you ladies!

Enough of my excuses...

For this summer, I have really made great efforts to (1) be positive, (2) avoid negativity whenever possible. Apparently in the sobriety circuit, they use the saying, "Fake it until you make it," meaning sometimes even if you don't yet wholeheartedly believe in something, you go through the motions and eventually your mind will catch up. I feel that this also applies in the babyloss journey. Sometimes you have try to smile instead of crying, and once in awhile you realize your smile is genuine after all.

While on the subject of catchy sayings... One the mantras I have learned and now subscribe to is: "I can only control my own behavior and actions." And of course, this mantra implies that I cannot control the behavior and actions of others. This refers to people very close to us such as our spouses and families, as well as people we work with, barely know, etc. So, I have to just keep on trying to take care of myself, and healing as best I can, rather than worrying about what other people say or do.

In July, I tried to have some fun celebrating the anniversary of our independence. Later in the month, we took a trip across country to have a week of R&R with my very good friend and her brood. It was a good time: sleeping in, relaxing on the beach, riding bikes, taking long walks, drinking wine, eating well. We had lots of time to catch up and get to know her little boys. They are adorable and well behaved children, just perfect to be on vacation with! I will admit that at times it was a little hard for me to see my friend worry about feedings and nap time, after all, I should be doing that! Overall, however, it was wonderful to spend time with them.

Next up, in August we had family in town. A house-full. It was actually quite nice, and things went smoothly. We had lots of family togetherness. Everyone got along, with no major meltdowns. That alone is pretty impressive, in my opinion. I took some time off from work. We did a few day trips. Again, overall, I would say it was a successful reunion of family from near and far.

So now things are settling down.

Let me start this next section by saying, phrases like "You just need to relax," and "You are just so stressed," should be eliminated from conversations with any babyloss mothers. Seriously. Yes, of course we need to relax and not be so stressed. Don't I wish it was that easy.

Those of you who know me in real life are aware that we have been trying to have another baby. So far, I have not become pregnant. While it has not been a truly prolonged period of time, by the standards of the OB /Gyn community, I would certainly say that this seems to be markedly different from our past experience. As most of you fellow babyloss mothers probably know, this is among our worst fears. When your child dies, the potential for fertility problems become a terrifying thought.

When you are "trying again," each month of failing to become pregnant results in a tidal wave of grief. You realize that not only are you very disappointed to not be pregnant, but really, you are once again slapped in the face with the agony of being the mother of a dead baby. Not a newly pregnant woman beginning to recover from a terrible loss, but simply the mother of a baby you will never see again in this life. It is positively breathtaking.

The people who can really understand this are few and far between. I would be so bold as to say that this is a special sort of hell that is reserved for mothers who have lost their first baby. I would never try to diminish the the pain of the amazing babyloss mothers I have known who have other living children. But I promise you, there is a different kind of emptiness that comes with losing your first and only child.

As far as the assistance of medical professionals is concerned, I say, sometimes there may not be a medical reason for more aggressive interventions, but maybe there is a psychological reason. Just throwing that out there. For any babyloss mother who is less than completely satisfied with the care she is receiving, I say move on and find someone who appreciates what you are going through.

The same is true for getting the help you deserve in terms of psychological support, spiritual needs, physical care. I recently went for a massage for the first time since I was about 20 weeks pregnant last fall. It was amazing, and much needed. We need to do things like that more often, girls.

Hoping that you are taking good care of your(amazing)selves.

Passage of time

This week will mark another milestone.

At this time last year, I had a teeny, tiny Angeline inside of me - I just didn't know it yet. It would be a few days later that I saw the two pink lines. Then came the lab visits for beta-HCG levels and anxiously awaiting phone calls from my doctor's office. They were all good, rising perfectly! Thus began the happiest time of my life.

The greatest joy of my life came to an abrupt and devastating end on December 29th, 2010. We are now approaching the 6 month mark. Although I delivered Angeline on December 31st, it is the 29th that will be the painful anniversary of her death. I have decided that this will always be our day of mourning, and we will try to celebrate her life on the 31st.

It always amazes me how much can happen in a year. For me (for us), this year has included the highest high and the lowest low. I am humbling asking God to please, please let this next year show us a light at the end of this long, lonely tunnel. I am praying that we will be able to look back on June 2011 and say, "Do your remember how hopeless and sad we felt? And now, see how happy we are?" Of course, I know very well that this isn't completely realistic, and I also don't think we'll be "happy" in the strictest sense, but maybe we will have more to be happy about. I am hoping that at some point, something really gives us joy again. I know it happens for other people who have been where we are, so maybe it will happen to us, too.

This song made me cry on my way home tonight...

I've heard this song so many times, and on each occasion it brings tears to my eyes.

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no - ain't even grey, but she buries her baby... The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had just enough time..."

Unhappy Father's Day

I sincerely doubt this is a Happy Father's Day for any father to an angel. Maybe fathers with other living children can celebrate this day and truly enjoy it. For fathers to babies who have gone too soon, today is a day which only serves to magnify their pain and add weight to their burden.

Fathers of angels didn't get to proudly hold a pink,screaming newborn. They never had the chance to give bottles and learn to change diapers. They didn't wear a Baby Bjorn carrier for walks on the beach. No bedtime stories or calming after a nightmare. Never got to scoop up their crying child after a fall and kiss a scraped knee. No soccer games, birthday parties, swimming lessons. No parent-teacher conferences. They didn't have the opportunity to share all of the things they could teach a child. And this is only for the first several years... not to mention the other milestones of teenage and adult years.

I would guess that most of these fathers don't say much about they feel on Father's Day. I can't help feeling sad and resentful today. I felt miserable on Mother's Day, and today I feel almost as bad. I wish I had Angeline dressed up in a pink onesie that says, "I'm Daddy's Girl" or something silly like that. We would have done something to make this a special day for her daddy. Today she should be almost 4 months old. Instead of our beautiful baby girl, we have a pile of ashes in a box.

I am so tired, absolutely drained, by being sad on days that make most everyone else happy. So far we have suffered through New Years Eve, Valentine's Day, Adrian's birthday, Easter, my birthday, Mother's Day, now Father's Day. I feel like I am sort of in a daze on these holidays. I could meltdown and burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
I just hate it.

Thank you to my lovely fellow baby-loss mothers who have sent special greetings today and good wishes for Adrian. I love you all and I hope that the fathers in your life are getting through this difficult day.

Junebug

This had been a favorite movie of mine since first seeing it a number of years ago. I was looking for a DVD today, when I picked it up and remembered the whole story...