Lately, I have heard myself laughing sometimes. A couple times upon being asked, "How are you?" I have replied, "Good." Without thinking, without hesitance. Is it possible that I am healing, even a little bit?
I don't mean to say that I am suddenly better. Not at all. I still feel agonizing pain over Angeline's death, and my mind can wander into some very dark places if I let it. I don't expect that these feelings will ever go away, but maybe I am learning what it is like to live with this.
I recently spent an evening out with a group of mothers of lost babies. It was a girls night, where we talked about our babies and all sorts of unrelated things. We laughed a lot. I left with such a feeling of awe in the potential for recovery of the human spirit. We've all been through hell and back, yet there we were: talking and laughing, eating, having a couple drinks. I realized that in spite of the heavy weight of our respective losses, we still have the capacity for happiness, friendship, love. Maybe we are even better at those things, because we realize how fleeting life can be.
I learned that one of the incredibly strong baby-loss mothers who I know is now expecting. I felt such excitement and joy for that family. They are simply so deserving of a healthy baby to take home with them. I have heard of other new babies on the way for mothers in our online community. Each announcement gives me hope for the future for all of us.
It seems like there is a glimmer of hope lighting a dark passageway.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Blessed Be Your Name
At the bottom of the page is a blog-hop listing, courtesy of Franchesca, of Small Bird Studio. She has organized this list of "Small Miracles, Celebrating Hope." Franchesca also inspired me to share a link to one of my favorite popular Christian songs.
It speaks of praising God not only in times of happiness and harmony, but also in times of despair and loneliness. It reminds us that God both gives and takes away.
I don't know why Angeline couldn't stay with us in this life. I choose to believe that she has been spared a human life of pain and difficulty related to her severe cardiac defect, and that she is now in a better place.
One line that seems especially relevant now,
It speaks of praising God not only in times of happiness and harmony, but also in times of despair and loneliness. It reminds us that God both gives and takes away.
I don't know why Angeline couldn't stay with us in this life. I choose to believe that she has been spared a human life of pain and difficulty related to her severe cardiac defect, and that she is now in a better place.
One line that seems especially relevant now,
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering,
though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name."
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The time we had
At times like this, you really do have to take it "one day at a time." Or maybe "one hour at a time," as one of my colleagues said to me. It's true. There's nothing like the shocking loss of your baby to get you to face the reality that you have little to no control over what happens to you. Instead of directing, controlling and planning as you used to do, you are suddenly in the position of taking life one hour at a time. This is not entirely a bad thing.
Since I realize that nothing is guaranteed in life, I have been reflecting on the time I did have with Angeline while she was alive. I loved her like crazy, from the moment I believed she was conceived. I was caring and careful. I think she knows how much her mother loves her. I think about how she loved the foods I fed her - I know she liked eggnog! I remember how it almost seemed like she would kick when I willed her to. I would just stop and touch my belly and think, give me a big kick - and she would! I took her to Jack Johnson concert, and thought how cool it was that my baby heard Jack Johnson live even before she was born. She went to the Grand Canyon and New York. Angeline went on a girls weekend to Vegas. Two of us were pregnant, carrying three babies altogether. We stayed up late, talking like girls do. She spent time with my family, even my brother who lives in Australia. She was loved by so many people before she was born. I am grateful for every second she lived inside of me.
On days where I am really feeling down, I have decided that I will focus on trying to be a mother that would make my daughter proud. I will never have the chance to raise her to be the woman she would have been. Somehow, I believe she still knows me. I want to be the example I would have been for her had she lived.
I know that if our daughter had grown up, she would have been a smart, practical and intelligent woman. One day, when we grew old, she might have cared for us. I know that our daughter would not have wanted us to suffer and agonize over her loss.
Angeline is with us in spirit now, and always will be.
Since I realize that nothing is guaranteed in life, I have been reflecting on the time I did have with Angeline while she was alive. I loved her like crazy, from the moment I believed she was conceived. I was caring and careful. I think she knows how much her mother loves her. I think about how she loved the foods I fed her - I know she liked eggnog! I remember how it almost seemed like she would kick when I willed her to. I would just stop and touch my belly and think, give me a big kick - and she would! I took her to Jack Johnson concert, and thought how cool it was that my baby heard Jack Johnson live even before she was born. She went to the Grand Canyon and New York. Angeline went on a girls weekend to Vegas. Two of us were pregnant, carrying three babies altogether. We stayed up late, talking like girls do. She spent time with my family, even my brother who lives in Australia. She was loved by so many people before she was born. I am grateful for every second she lived inside of me.
On days where I am really feeling down, I have decided that I will focus on trying to be a mother that would make my daughter proud. I will never have the chance to raise her to be the woman she would have been. Somehow, I believe she still knows me. I want to be the example I would have been for her had she lived.
I know that if our daughter had grown up, she would have been a smart, practical and intelligent woman. One day, when we grew old, she might have cared for us. I know that our daughter would not have wanted us to suffer and agonize over her loss.
Angeline is with us in spirit now, and always will be.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Just when you thought...
Grief is strange. Just when you think you might be doing a little better, it comes out swinging.
This past week I had some ups and downs. The week got off to a bit of a slow start, which is probably not a bad thing for me these days. I am trying to go easy on myself, so to speak. On Tuesday, I had time for coffee with my cousin in the morning, a mid-day Pure Barre class and then went to the Perinatal Loss support group on Tuesday. I really like the group - the moderator is excellent, and I have met a number of inspiring, brave mothers suffering from losses similar to my own. I am excited to get involved with our local community network and hopefully help other parents. I was feeling reasonably good going into Wednesday, however, it is amazing the emotions that are stirred up by a trip to the OB's office. I am very fortunate to have a very sensitive, caring OB. I really do love her. She was wonderful throughout my pregnancy, and was really there for me when we lost our daughter. On this visit, she moved me up to squeeze in my appointment before rushing off for a delivery, so I wouldn't have to reschedule. She still had time to look at my photo book of Angeline's NILMDTS pictures. I was sad and thankful, but we also talked about more positive things, such as planning for the future. I left the office with copies of my baby's autopsy report. When I studied fetal and neonatal circulation all those years ago, I never knew one day I would be reading the description of my own baby's heart on an autopsy report. That was hard. Thursday was a longer day at work, but it actually felt good to be getting back into the usual groove of a long busy day. By Friday, I actually felt like I could go so far as to say I'd had a "good day." A busy day at work, laughed with people who kept the mood upbeat. The ring that Adrian and I designed in memory of Angeline was finally done. We had dinner plans with some good friends; plans originally made before we had lost our baby. This couple had their own difficulties and challenges before having their two young children. They were able to discuss our loss with compassion and understanding. They were reassuring and encouraging without minimizing the significance of our current pain. We had a wonderful dinner, drank wine, laughed a lot.
The weekend has been something of a mixed bag. Pure Barre again on Saturday morning. I love this class - it is essentially a technique that fuses Pilates, yoga and ballet barre set to great music, in a motivating all-women environment. I always feel good after a Pure Barre class. Yes, I did feel a little sad when I realized there was a pregnant woman in the class. That was me, what feels like a lifetime ago. We enjoyed the rest of the day doing our usual Saturday stuff. Early dinner and fell asleep watching movies - I think we were both just exhausted. Sunday has been a little tricky. Started out nice: farmer's market, brunch. I had the unpleasant task of turning down a lunch invitation. I just don't feel ready for an outing with an expectant friend, who is quite understandably over the moon with excitement for the birth of twin girls. I love her and her husband. They were some of the first friends I had when I moved out to California. She has been very supportive and concerned for me during this time, and it's not that I don't want to see her or talk to her. It's just that she is as happy as she has ever been in life, and I have really never been so miserable. At times it seriously hurts to breath, and it is a huge effort to maintain an upbeat demeanor when you really feel like crawling into a hole. As such, I didn't think lunch was the best idea. So, that started my downward spiral this afternoon. Later, I was looking at Valentine's Day cards, already not in the best of moods. The cards seemed so silly and superficial. I imagined walking up to the salesperson and saying, "Excuse me, do you have Valentines for parents who just lost their baby?" Instead I wandered over to the blank cards and non-Valentine love cards. I found the perfect card for Adrian. It said, "Life may not always be perfect, but your love is enough to give me hope." When I got home, he asked me if I was okay, and then wrapped his arms around me.
This past week I had some ups and downs. The week got off to a bit of a slow start, which is probably not a bad thing for me these days. I am trying to go easy on myself, so to speak. On Tuesday, I had time for coffee with my cousin in the morning, a mid-day Pure Barre class and then went to the Perinatal Loss support group on Tuesday. I really like the group - the moderator is excellent, and I have met a number of inspiring, brave mothers suffering from losses similar to my own. I am excited to get involved with our local community network and hopefully help other parents. I was feeling reasonably good going into Wednesday, however, it is amazing the emotions that are stirred up by a trip to the OB's office. I am very fortunate to have a very sensitive, caring OB. I really do love her. She was wonderful throughout my pregnancy, and was really there for me when we lost our daughter. On this visit, she moved me up to squeeze in my appointment before rushing off for a delivery, so I wouldn't have to reschedule. She still had time to look at my photo book of Angeline's NILMDTS pictures. I was sad and thankful, but we also talked about more positive things, such as planning for the future. I left the office with copies of my baby's autopsy report. When I studied fetal and neonatal circulation all those years ago, I never knew one day I would be reading the description of my own baby's heart on an autopsy report. That was hard. Thursday was a longer day at work, but it actually felt good to be getting back into the usual groove of a long busy day. By Friday, I actually felt like I could go so far as to say I'd had a "good day." A busy day at work, laughed with people who kept the mood upbeat. The ring that Adrian and I designed in memory of Angeline was finally done. We had dinner plans with some good friends; plans originally made before we had lost our baby. This couple had their own difficulties and challenges before having their two young children. They were able to discuss our loss with compassion and understanding. They were reassuring and encouraging without minimizing the significance of our current pain. We had a wonderful dinner, drank wine, laughed a lot.
The weekend has been something of a mixed bag. Pure Barre again on Saturday morning. I love this class - it is essentially a technique that fuses Pilates, yoga and ballet barre set to great music, in a motivating all-women environment. I always feel good after a Pure Barre class. Yes, I did feel a little sad when I realized there was a pregnant woman in the class. That was me, what feels like a lifetime ago. We enjoyed the rest of the day doing our usual Saturday stuff. Early dinner and fell asleep watching movies - I think we were both just exhausted. Sunday has been a little tricky. Started out nice: farmer's market, brunch. I had the unpleasant task of turning down a lunch invitation. I just don't feel ready for an outing with an expectant friend, who is quite understandably over the moon with excitement for the birth of twin girls. I love her and her husband. They were some of the first friends I had when I moved out to California. She has been very supportive and concerned for me during this time, and it's not that I don't want to see her or talk to her. It's just that she is as happy as she has ever been in life, and I have really never been so miserable. At times it seriously hurts to breath, and it is a huge effort to maintain an upbeat demeanor when you really feel like crawling into a hole. As such, I didn't think lunch was the best idea. So, that started my downward spiral this afternoon. Later, I was looking at Valentine's Day cards, already not in the best of moods. The cards seemed so silly and superficial. I imagined walking up to the salesperson and saying, "Excuse me, do you have Valentines for parents who just lost their baby?" Instead I wandered over to the blank cards and non-Valentine love cards. I found the perfect card for Adrian. It said, "Life may not always be perfect, but your love is enough to give me hope." When I got home, he asked me if I was okay, and then wrapped his arms around me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
On a positive note
In the midst of my crisis, I have realized how fortunate I am in certain areas. I will focus on the big three for tonight.
My love:
Through this terrible loss, I have felt a new bond with Adrian. Prior to this, we were much like any couple happily anticipating the birth of their first child. After experiencing such pain and agony together, I feel that if we can rise out of this, we could overcome just about any challenge together. Just the other day, we were out for a walk when it started to downpour. We kept walking, and I had said, "If I had to walk in the rain with anybody, I'd want to walk in the rain with you."
Our family:
Our parents were so excited about their little granddaughter! They were completely devastated when she was lost. Their sorrow was compounded by their pain for their own children's broken hearts - they hurt because we hurt. We have felt so much love from our parents, our siblings, our extended families. Some relatives in my extended family have remarked on the time that Angeline spent with us on a family trip in Arizona. She was only 18 weeks along at that time, yet her presence was with us! It means so much to me that she is a recognized member of our family and her loss is felt by our entire extended family, across the US, over to Europe and down under to Australia.
My friends:
I have some really wonderful girlfriends. Several I have been close with for a long time, we've been through ups and downs together. Love and heartbreak, of course. Weddings and divorces. Milestones. Illnesses. Births and losses. They have been here for me as completely as a girlfriend could. Other friends from many years past resurfaced unexpectedly when they heard of my tragedy. A phone call, a card, flowers, a thoughtful gift. Still other friends in my current circles, have drawn closer. It is amazing how certain people really rise to the occasion of being a strong, caring friend in a setting of crisis. Finally, I have been privileged to make new friends with some incredibly courageous parents of other lost babies.
Other things that I am positive about and grateful for: work that I love, an amazing group of colleagues and staff, living in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, my health. So, while each and every day presents its difficulties and sadness, I recognize that I am greatly blessed in so many areas of my life.
My love:
Through this terrible loss, I have felt a new bond with Adrian. Prior to this, we were much like any couple happily anticipating the birth of their first child. After experiencing such pain and agony together, I feel that if we can rise out of this, we could overcome just about any challenge together. Just the other day, we were out for a walk when it started to downpour. We kept walking, and I had said, "If I had to walk in the rain with anybody, I'd want to walk in the rain with you."
Our family:
Our parents were so excited about their little granddaughter! They were completely devastated when she was lost. Their sorrow was compounded by their pain for their own children's broken hearts - they hurt because we hurt. We have felt so much love from our parents, our siblings, our extended families. Some relatives in my extended family have remarked on the time that Angeline spent with us on a family trip in Arizona. She was only 18 weeks along at that time, yet her presence was with us! It means so much to me that she is a recognized member of our family and her loss is felt by our entire extended family, across the US, over to Europe and down under to Australia.
My friends:
I have some really wonderful girlfriends. Several I have been close with for a long time, we've been through ups and downs together. Love and heartbreak, of course. Weddings and divorces. Milestones. Illnesses. Births and losses. They have been here for me as completely as a girlfriend could. Other friends from many years past resurfaced unexpectedly when they heard of my tragedy. A phone call, a card, flowers, a thoughtful gift. Still other friends in my current circles, have drawn closer. It is amazing how certain people really rise to the occasion of being a strong, caring friend in a setting of crisis. Finally, I have been privileged to make new friends with some incredibly courageous parents of other lost babies.
Other things that I am positive about and grateful for: work that I love, an amazing group of colleagues and staff, living in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, my health. So, while each and every day presents its difficulties and sadness, I recognize that I am greatly blessed in so many areas of my life.
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