Thankful

In view of the difficult, painful year we have been living through, one might find it hard to believe that I am so extremely thankful today.

To be honest, I am a little surprised myself. How can it be? Instead of feeling sad and bitter, I feel grateful and appreciative.

Is it because lately I feel Angeline's presence so strongly? I am so thankful for the signs she sends me. I truly believe that she reaches out to me from another dimension, and that while we only had a short time together in this life, we will never be separated.

Maybe it's because I realize more than ever that each of us has a path to resolution of such a devastating loss. Some have been fortunate enough to become pregnant again very quickly after the loss of their baby. Others of us did not become pregnant within 3, 4, 5 or more months of trying. There were times when I thought this hindered our ability to heal. I realize now that this is not the case. I have come to know the stories of other BLM's who are unable to conceive in the near future owing to medical concerns or problems impairing fertility. I realize now that another baby does not heal the wound if we have not grieved and mourned our loss. I am grateful that I have had this time to devote completely to Angeline, while I look forward with hope to having another baby in the future.

As they say, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." I am so thankful for the family that was chosen for me. Their love and support has been unwavering. Today, however, I am particularly grateful for the friends I have chosen, and have chosen me. I have such an exceptional group of women who have been at my side throughout this devastating experience. They have come down with me into this dark, lonely place, and helped me to climb back out toward the daylight. Not because they had to, but because they wanted to. They have hurt with me, not just for me. They have cried with me, and made me laugh, too. They love and miss Angeline. In the words of one dear friend just a few days ago, "I will never let her memory go. She will always be a part of my thoughts, heart and life." I was so incredibly touched by these sentiments, because I know she genuinely means every word.

On this Thanksgiving, it is with love that I remember spending last year with my precious girl kicking inside of me, and reflect on the many things I still have to be thankful for.