It is what it is.

"It is what it is."

Gosh, I have always hated this saying. I would practically cringe when I heard people say this overused and too-broadly-applied phrase. To be honest, maybe I do see a use for this expression.

At the moment, for me, it sort of expresses a level of acceptance I now have for my grief.

I am not referring to what happened to Angeline. I would never use these words to describe her death. I will never totally accept or be at peace with what happened to our daughter. I do however, understand that her little heart formed with a severe defect. I know that surviving to birth would have led to significant interventions, including major open heart surgeries. I believe that there is a strong possibility that she would have suffered and eventually died anyway. I regard the time I carried Angeline inside of me as the greatest and most important time in my life. I believe that her life was a gift, however short. I am truly grateful to be her mother.

My agonizing, mind-numbing grief began suddenly and without warning when we lost Angeline. The nine months that followed have been filled with sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment, but also gratitude, love, appreciation and finally hope. Grief is truly a winding road, with obstacles, steep inclines, sharp turns and switchbacks. Surprisingly, you occasionally find beautiful scenery and restful settings along the way. There comes a point in profound grief when you realize that you are, in fact, surviving. Perhaps not happily. You come to a point which may possibly be the proverbial bottom. It is as if you look at your life and say: This is not what I had hoped for, not what I wanted, not what I expected, but it isn't all bad. There are still good things in my life, even in spite of my misery. You might actually look back on your suffering and say, "it is what it is."

Did it make me stronger, more compassionate, more empathetic, more loving, more introspective, more grateful?? I don't know. Probably. Was it worth the price of my precious daughter? Definitely not. I do miss being the person I was before this happened to us. That girl is gone and I am someone new.

Thank you, Franchesca!

I would like to take a moment to thank Franchesca Cox for her beautiful work on my blog design. She is truly gifted in media arts. More importantly, her talents touch so many bereaved mothers by helping to inspire creative and productive expressions of grief. Fran's work and dedication to our community is so truly remarkable!

So, THANK YOU, Fran!

The Space Between

Dave Matthews Band - The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

When Bad Things Happen

Over the past months I have done a lot of reading. I have read a number of books and memoirs on the subject of babyloss, grief, faith. Those of you who know me in real life have heard me speaking of a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Harold Kushner. It is a widely known, bestseller with more than 4 million copies in print.

When I was in college, I was a biology major and a philosophy minor. I absolutely loved writing on philosophical principles. The chair of the department actually took me aside one time and said, "Are you sure you really want to go into medicine? Why don't you think about coming over to our department?" Years later, I still have a copy of one paper that I was particularly proud of. Looking at it now, I almost have a hard time understanding it! It is strange to think that I actually wrote it, what seems like a lifetime ago. But I digress...

So, I first heard about this book on another blog and though I would read it. A little background on my thoughts on religion: when I was an older teenager and into my college years, I was somewhat critical of organized religion and focused more on my own personal spiritual relationship with God. In my later twenties, I became involved with a progressive church on the East Coast and was quite openly religious (i.e. possibly annoying and offensive to non-believers). After relocating to California, I spent several years trying to find the "right" church, and after frequenting quite a few local churches, I more or less gave up on finding a place where I would fit in well. That being said, I had always subscribed to the philosophy of Christian values, belief in God's grace and perhaps most significantly the theory of God having a plan for each of us, whether or not we understood it. I tried to live my life accordingly.

Well, nothing gives you earth-shattering crisis of faith like the death of your own child. If you are yourself the parent of a lost child, I realize I am not telling you anything that you don't already know. As for those of you who automatically and unconditionally accept the death of your child as being "part of God's plan," sorry, I don't buy it. In my humble opinion, this type of response falls into the categories of shock and / or denial.

Which finally brings me to the book. As I mentioned, over the course of my life I have read quite a lot on topics of philosophy, religion and now grief, loss, death. I would say that this particular read is among the most intelligent and poignant books I have read on the aforementioned topics.

Harold Kushner was a young rabbi when his son Aaron was diagnosed at age three with a very rare and ultimately fatal condition called progeria, "rapid aging." After years of suffering, Aaron would die two days after his fourteenth birthday. Rabbi Kushner was inspired to write the book after experiencing the life-altering, aching pain of a parent facing the loss of his child. He very skillfully addresses the common questions that arise and reactions that most people experience when something truly devastating happens to them.

Kushner describes the usual imagery of God as a powerful father figure, treating as we deserve, punishing us when we do wrong. This concept can lead to so many negative feelings - self-blame, rejection, abandonment. He demonstrates that quite clearly, this vision of God is inconsistent with what human beings experience. One can see this in the Bible if one is so inclined, or simply look at the world around us. Many times the righteous do suffer, and suffer severely. Meanwhile, we see many selfish, unkind and quite possibly evil people enjoying a life of ease, comfort and harmony. Contrary to popular belief, things frequently don't even out in this lifetime - we don't all "get what we deserve."

In the tradition of my friend Kirsten, I will share a few common things that people say, and how they can practically be interpreted according to Rabbi Kushner.
When a bad thing has happened to you...
God has his reasons for making this happen, and you are in no position to judge.
-The individual feels abandoned, betrayed. What reason would God have for doing this? What kind of higher purpose would justify their suffering? And if this was His plan, how could the individual ask God to help them?

God has caused this bad thing to happen to teach / change / influence other people.
- Would a loving God exact the price of a child's life to teach a lesson? In Kushner's words, "The price is too high, and the reasoning shows too little regard for the value of an individual life."

God never gives us a burden that we cannot carry / will not give you a life you are not strong enough to lead.
- Should the individual have been a weaker person? Would that have avoided such a tragedy? In addition, this is blatantly false. Tragedies such as the loss of a child destroy the lives of previously happy people, break up marriages, lead to depression, substance abuse, even suicide.

God has taken the loved one to a better place, where they are free of suffering. This is a reason to rejoice.
- While it may be true that the lost child is free of pain and suffering, we have no way of knowing that, and if we choose to believe, it is through faith. This idea is of limited comfort to the surviving family who will miss that child's presence for every remaining day of their lives. It certainly does not address why that particular child had to suffer in the first place!

All of the above concepts suggest that God plays an active role in our suffering. Subjecting us to it, possibly deciding to relieve it... Rabbi Kushner explores the possibility that God does not choose for us to suffer and does not cause bad things to happen to us. In the third chapter, he explores a central concept to the book: "Sometimes There is No Reason." I have to wonder it the same can't be said for many of the good things that happen to us. Is it reasonable to say that we were chosen to have a "blessing" when we all realize we weren't necessarily chosen to bear a burden? I am not sure yet.

I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. I think it should be read by anyone who has experienced a life-changing tragedy, as well as anyone who believes they know the first thing about religion, regardless of denomination.

Summertime...

Wow. We are in the second half of August. That means that summer is drawing to a close.

It's been a while since I posted. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, a lot of talking to my therapist. But I have not done a lot of blogging. I really admire the women who consistently write thought-provoking and insightful blog posts on a frequent basis. I wish I could be more like you ladies!

Enough of my excuses...

For this summer, I have really made great efforts to (1) be positive, (2) avoid negativity whenever possible. Apparently in the sobriety circuit, they use the saying, "Fake it until you make it," meaning sometimes even if you don't yet wholeheartedly believe in something, you go through the motions and eventually your mind will catch up. I feel that this also applies in the babyloss journey. Sometimes you have try to smile instead of crying, and once in awhile you realize your smile is genuine after all.

While on the subject of catchy sayings... One the mantras I have learned and now subscribe to is: "I can only control my own behavior and actions." And of course, this mantra implies that I cannot control the behavior and actions of others. This refers to people very close to us such as our spouses and families, as well as people we work with, barely know, etc. So, I have to just keep on trying to take care of myself, and healing as best I can, rather than worrying about what other people say or do.

In July, I tried to have some fun celebrating the anniversary of our independence. Later in the month, we took a trip across country to have a week of R&R with my very good friend and her brood. It was a good time: sleeping in, relaxing on the beach, riding bikes, taking long walks, drinking wine, eating well. We had lots of time to catch up and get to know her little boys. They are adorable and well behaved children, just perfect to be on vacation with! I will admit that at times it was a little hard for me to see my friend worry about feedings and nap time, after all, I should be doing that! Overall, however, it was wonderful to spend time with them.

Next up, in August we had family in town. A house-full. It was actually quite nice, and things went smoothly. We had lots of family togetherness. Everyone got along, with no major meltdowns. That alone is pretty impressive, in my opinion. I took some time off from work. We did a few day trips. Again, overall, I would say it was a successful reunion of family from near and far.

So now things are settling down.

Let me start this next section by saying, phrases like "You just need to relax," and "You are just so stressed," should be eliminated from conversations with any babyloss mothers. Seriously. Yes, of course we need to relax and not be so stressed. Don't I wish it was that easy.

Those of you who know me in real life are aware that we have been trying to have another baby. So far, I have not become pregnant. While it has not been a truly prolonged period of time, by the standards of the OB /Gyn community, I would certainly say that this seems to be markedly different from our past experience. As most of you fellow babyloss mothers probably know, this is among our worst fears. When your child dies, the potential for fertility problems become a terrifying thought.

When you are "trying again," each month of failing to become pregnant results in a tidal wave of grief. You realize that not only are you very disappointed to not be pregnant, but really, you are once again slapped in the face with the agony of being the mother of a dead baby. Not a newly pregnant woman beginning to recover from a terrible loss, but simply the mother of a baby you will never see again in this life. It is positively breathtaking.

The people who can really understand this are few and far between. I would be so bold as to say that this is a special sort of hell that is reserved for mothers who have lost their first baby. I would never try to diminish the the pain of the amazing babyloss mothers I have known who have other living children. But I promise you, there is a different kind of emptiness that comes with losing your first and only child.

As far as the assistance of medical professionals is concerned, I say, sometimes there may not be a medical reason for more aggressive interventions, but maybe there is a psychological reason. Just throwing that out there. For any babyloss mother who is less than completely satisfied with the care she is receiving, I say move on and find someone who appreciates what you are going through.

The same is true for getting the help you deserve in terms of psychological support, spiritual needs, physical care. I recently went for a massage for the first time since I was about 20 weeks pregnant last fall. It was amazing, and much needed. We need to do things like that more often, girls.

Hoping that you are taking good care of your(amazing)selves.